The Entrapment

Its odd how it feels when something is off, you can't explain it or reason with it. But it's there, it was there for me for 4009 days.

Everyday i tried to reason with the inner voice, that odd little voice that kept telling me things weren't right.

Marriage was meant to be a commitment to grow together to be a union of love. Mine wasn't it was filled with jealously, resentment, scorn.....my marriage became my living hell!

It was all about his ego! Peoples perception of who and what he represented was more important than the ones who loved him. 

I woke one day and realised he did not love me, was not capable of love that my marriage, relationship was merely words, lies and deception.

I married a narcissist and he was my abuser!

I met him online in 2010, I wish to this day I had never replied. What started as a "hello" turned into eleven years of narcissistic abuse, lovebombing, manipulation, controlling, gaslighting, stonewalling, brain washing, a whole lot of words with no meaning nor action causing lots of pain and suffering.  His profile was charming, as single parent with shared care, he was grounded, didn't want someone to mother his kids, self employed and financially stable all of which was untrue. In fact quite the opposite, he was untidy, dirty, he played the consummate parent but only on the surface, I could see he was floundering with everything that comes with being a parent. He worked when and if it suited him, and was selfish with money, always in debt, DH first, kids second, bills last!

He was needy and childlike, when he didn't have his kids he practically lived at my place, hung around, monitored me. Whenever he did something, work, rugby he encouraged me to be with him to watch, he was a showman and loved the praise and attention that came as the centre of attention.

What he actually wanted was a babysitter, house maid and a whore! What he got was an articulate intelligent beautiful woman which he gradually slowly over time torn apart piece by piece until  she couldn't breathe, she became worthless; He destroyed her........well he tried! because she came back stronger, wiser and more determined.

Me....I have a huge sense of intuition, I fell things, sense things mostly I can't explain it but as I get older and I understand more. I've learnt to listen and trust my gut instincts.

When we met I wasn't spiritually, emotionally, financially ....mentally in a good place, a single mother with four daughters, had a small part time job, studying towards a degree, my previous relationship had just ended and I was miserable.. I was so in love with Paul!  

I was juggling so many balls and was vulnerable I was the perfect victim for narcissist abuse. And he needed someone to pander to his every need, he needed to be worshipped he needed his ego fed.